Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
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Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
me irl
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*