Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
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yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Smooooooth
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner