Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
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Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Worst bar ever.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.