Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
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[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*