Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat