Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

these two trucks have the same bed length

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

The biggest mystery of our time

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!