Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
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At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
2022 be like
Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.