Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Do not steal food from the science building!
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet