Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.