Yep.
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chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.