Yep.
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4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
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whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
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Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
True freaking story!
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put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins