Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
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ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I put the p in pants.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send