Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
*3.5 thank you very much.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
one last job
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
roses are red
i fall when i skate
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat