Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
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Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened