Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Good Morning.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute