Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
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I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Mistakes were made
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
