“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
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If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays