“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
You Might Also Like
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
We’ve all been there
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Me when my alarm goes off
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?