“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
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the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence