Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.