Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

Me irl

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

Woke up against my better judgment again

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT