Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
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STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I think this might be relevant today.