Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

he’ll never suspect a thing

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?