Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

just witnessed a drug deal

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

You’re the water to my grease fire.

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth