“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
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Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen