Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

Boom, boom, ching!

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.