“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
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STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Monday
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’