Yes
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Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon