Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

This is hilarious

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

😭😭😭😭

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??