Yes 😂
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This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.