Yes 😂
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Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.