Yes 😂
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A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”