Yes 😂
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I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.