Yes 😂
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don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Let’s Go
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Me redecorating every room in my mind
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit