Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark