Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

Tammy is short for Tamuel

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’