Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.