Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

When someone says you are so lazy

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

Salad is the decaf of food.

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”