yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
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Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!