Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

My patience has stretch marks.

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.