Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.