Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

God has left this place

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.