Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
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[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.