Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

My dryer is celebrating lint.

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

you’re so productive for your wage

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids