never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Ah..makes sense now
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)