@1MeLrO

Yes advice is free, but so are throat punches

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@BrettDruck

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

@NoogsCorner

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

@raniao2011

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

@BunAndLeggings

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: My friend really likes you.
Her: I’m a lesbian.
Me: Ah ok…
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …
Me: So… What part of Lesbia are you from?

@shanethevein

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

@DrLickenstein

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

@mommajessiec

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

@notbedelia

If you play Titanic backwards it’s about a guy who rises from the sea, bangs a ginger and tries to throw her over the railing of a boat.

@NotthatAdamWest

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.