When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Yes advice is free, but so are throat punches
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The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Me: My friend really likes you.
Her: I’m a lesbian.
Me: Ah ok…
Me: So… What part of Lesbia are you from?
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
If you play Titanic backwards it’s about a guy who rises from the sea, bangs a ginger and tries to throw her over the railing of a boat.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.