Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
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Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
the three genders
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”