Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

🌱🌱🌱

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!