Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.