Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

Go gym

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?