Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

i think both sides are to blame here

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling