Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
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I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?