When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
You Might Also Like
this could fix me
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid