Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
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i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
he’s doing your taxes
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”