Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
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GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what