Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
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[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*