“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
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boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Like sleeping!
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.