@bornmiserable

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

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@TheHyyyype

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

@SnarkyMommy78

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

@KateWhineHall

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

@thevirtualidiot

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

@KylePlantEmoji

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

@davepell

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

@PickleRudd

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

@mommajessiec

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

@mack44_d

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’