“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
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The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”