Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
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Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Is this anything
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *