Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!