Yes, but it was never about money
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I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
this came to me in a vision
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
i can’t work under these festive conditions
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now