Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn