Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.