Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
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Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark