Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
You Might Also Like
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
I’d hang this in my house.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.