Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

Does your wife know you’re single?

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

life finds a way

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

My dad.

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

Not today. 😅

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.