Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
You Might Also Like
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now