Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
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Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders