Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
You Might Also Like
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court