Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining