Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

Baller is short for ballerina