My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That’s the last time we’re playing Monopoly.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
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*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room
Obama: Joe be professional
Biden: STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, CRAZY MOTHER-
My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That’s it. No more reading!
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.
Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.