@Darlainky

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

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@SocialustGal13

My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That’s the last time we’re playing Monopoly.

@aveuaskew

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

@bea_ker

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

@CuppleOthoughts

Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room

Obama: Joe be professional

Biden: STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, CRAZY MOTHER-

#BidenMemes

@MUMSIEesq

My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.

@lakeanagirl

I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That’s it. No more reading!

@sixfootcandy

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

@shutupmikeginn

Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.

Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful

@calluptome

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

@stephenjmolloy

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.