Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
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‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.