Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

I like crazy people until they notice me

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

Every time my phone rings