Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
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karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
