Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
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Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.