Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
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Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People