Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
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shut up and take my money
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
me hitting on a model
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Mapping America’s Far Right
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?