Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

much to think about

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.