Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
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Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.