Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

They’re not wrong

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.