yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
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True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
found this cool rock hiking today
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.