yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
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Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Found the job I’m suited for
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.