Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere