Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
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WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
