Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

My background check bounced.

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep