Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

Always this one for me forever

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

Sounds like a real hoot.

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

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The Chosen Phew

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.