Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

lmfao

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

nature’s most graceful animal

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.